17 years in USA 

17 years in USA what have I been doing all these years. Life goes on I have been married for 14 years I have been through struggles ups and downs I have been through, Love,  broken heart, broken dreams, and starting my life over again. 

In all these years it’s been me and only me no one else around to rely on, life it’s hard but I made it I’m in the position where I can say, my home is here, and I’m building my life and my dreams in this beautiful land.

Do I still get the question how long have I been here is that even fair anymore, now that I have been here more than half of my life do I still need to be asked where am I from. 

Even though I have been here for all this time and trust me it’s been more hurt and pain then Joy, I am very happy and proud of myself the way I have handled everything in my life.

My life today a married woman with three kids a beautiful house, but my best achievement is raising my boys and giving them the life that they deserve. 

Advertisements

The little sister 

Little sister, the light of the parents eyes, the baby of the house, (the jealousy that doesn’t have tranlation from her older siblings)I was born on 1984 in a little town of Albania. i was the joy of the house, or thats what i thought while i was growing up, i was so happy, i was the baby of the house, my brothers and sisters we’re  way older, so i was their little baby sister, that they cuddled and played with.

Time flew so fast,that the little baby sister it’s  a grown women that went through so much to have the life and the respect that everyone gives her, exept her relatives. I’m not the baby  sister anymore and for some reason it does not record in their minds, that im a women, a mother , a wife, I need  to be respected, just like any other adult. My sister thinks i should be living the life that she does, i should follow her path, and when i try to explain my self, she thinks that I’m not listenning, and im trying to offend her, because im the little one and i don’t have a say on anything. I should just keep my mouth shut and listen.

I’ve  been away for my parents home sense    I was  16 years old. I learned how to be on my own, how to be independent, believe me there was a lot of times, when I need it a sister, to love me, to listen to the pain and hurt that I was going through. But I had no one there to share my pain, so I picked up my pieces and I became stronger than ever. 

When i had my first baby I was so out in medication , i was imagining the nurse as being my sister, because i wanted so bad for my sister to be there for me. The love that i hold on its indescribable .

last time that me and my sister  were in the same home together, it was when my mother was dying, and thats when i realized she doesn’t have, no love, no siblings feelling towards me, she treated me like a was no one, she disrespected me in front of everyone, every chance she got, she never showed love towards me, all I can hear is you’re doing this wrong, you’re doing that wrong. 

I spend days with her telling me how i need to listen to her, and how i have to behave for her, and only do and say what she wants.

Not even once my sister gave me a hug and told me it’s ok im here for you i understand, our mother is dying but we are not alone we have each other.

 I always go by it doesn’t matter who was born first, we are all adults, we are all parents, lets respect each other equaly.

I realized that i was the one holding into those beautiful childhood memories, and she was holding on into the jealousy, that she always had why was i the pretty one, why everyone gave me more attention, why did my parents showed more love towards me.

 While  I can’t  make anymore good memories with her, I realized my happy memories, and love it’s my kids and my husband, that’s my home, were I belong . I will follow my happy path, and shine on it.

Relaxing day 

A relaxing day for mom, laying down in bed, with headache. The best part is, that I can work on my blogs, got my vitamins, coffee, lots of water, fresh cut apples, what can be better than this. I use to be the outgoing girl, who use to have get together with friends and enjoying each other companies, loud music, drinks etc

Lately my perfect relaxing day is to take a few hours just to my self, go for a walk, take a nap, write my blogs, have a coffee, go for a drive. 

I’m surprised how life changes, how we all change, there is so many patterns to our life, that we go through, what I like to do today, I might not want it tomorrow. Life is beautiful you can enjoy every pattern in its own way, in its own colors. 

Yoga time 

My sweet 3year old was trying yoga with me last night. The best moments to cherish.He kept saying “Mommy am i doing it right? Mommy is this how you do it?” He made me laugh!

I think this might be our new thing. Mommy, son yoga time.

Being an emigrant 

Ive lived in US more that half of my life, I came here when i was 16 years old.I learned Eanglish here, i finished high School, went to college.

As a  teenager and as un adult, this is all I’ve known. This is home for me, i dont see it as a place that i emigranted too, i see it as this is my home.There is always comments, like how long have you been here, oh you have an accent, or how do you pronounce your name.

Let me tell you first hand all this hurts,if someone cant pronounce a name, i think they are un educated, learned a new language, new world, new traditions, new rules, all i ask is learn how to pronounce, a name.

Asking questions like that makes me wonder, do i need to tell my life story, are they really interested, or do they just ask because they like gossips. I wonder were is the limit here, or how fair is for a stranger, to ask so many questions, that really no one its interested on the answers.

A few weeks ago i heard a say from my brother, being an emmigrat changes you.I thought about this for weeks, yes it does change you, there is so many ways that your life and mind changes. you learn how to live without, your closest familly members, but also you learn how to live free.

You build your own family, life is about change, about exitments. i have so many friends that i consider them my family, that they are there for me, more than any of my imediate family.

SO MY RESPOND to my brother is, YES it does change you for the good.

I often get asked, what is my opinion on things since im not an American,( um i have a laugh inside of me, really how do i have to show to everyone that im an American) so my answer is better then someone that is being born in here.

I think you make your self what you like to be, being born here doesnt make no difference to me, everyone has the right to they’re own speach, They’re own way of living life.

So my opinian is I’m an emigrant who found a home, and is proud to call this country my home. Please  dont offend our inteligence with thigs, you have an accent, or try to change my name, why did you come to America, where is your country in the map, etc 

Being a working mom

So my 3 year old, spend the summer home with my 14 year old, playing enjoying each other’s company, it made me realize that the full year that my baby was with the nany he did not learn anything. The only thing he got perfect at is using his iPad, and eating junk food, because even though I would leave healthy home cooked meals, ready for my baby, the nany would give him McDonald’s. I also realized this summer my baby talks so much more now, in a full sentence.

I’ve been working for more than a year to this office, which I actually loved being there, the coworkers were nice. I actually felt like that could be one of my dream jobs, that I’ve been wanting, I keep telling my self there is no reason why you can’t be here for 20 years. 

The school starts soon, so I’m preparing my oldest for high school, and my baby for preschool, dr appointment, dental, school supply’s, new clothing, everything was going as planned. Me and my husband took the day off looking at options, for preschools in our area, and we did found one, it was not the best, but for the time being it will work. 

Days went by and I started having this mother feeling, that I just couldn’t imagine my baby being there alone, taking naps alone, playing with kids that he never met before, having a babysitter/ teacher that will only give orders, I started thinking of how my baby’s day will fold and how alone will he feel. I did not tell anyone about my motherly feelings, I still prepared my baby’s backpack with all the things that he was going to need at the preschool. 

The morning of the first day, got up, got dressed for work, got my baby dressed, we all got in the car, first dropped of my oldest first day of high school, I’m so proud of him already, then next stop preschool, we got there so I’m telling my youngest, hey baby here is your school, you’re going to have so much fun, let’s get out of the car and go in. My so started crying I just want to stay with you mommy, I just want to go home and cuddle with you, I don’t want to go there, me and my husband are looking at each other what should we do. My husband had to go to work so he says you handle this baby, you’re better at this.

Ok just me and my baby now in the car, I thought about it for a min, I loved my job, but I love my kids way more, I’m needed here so much, my baby needs his mom now, and a few more years. Not just the baby my oldest too, sick days, field trips, coming home from school early. I’m the first person that they turn too.

I looked at my baby tear eyes do you want to go home, yes mammy, I said ok baby lets go home mammy got you.
I have never been more happier than now, I quit my job, and for some reason I’m not worried, my baby it’s so much happier, that’s what counts more, then the money that I was making at that job, or the carrier, I found a better way to cop with this, I started my own business, as a babysitter, this way I can be there for my baby, educate, and feed him, like I want to, at the same time, make money, and help mothers and other kids. 
Finding the right paths in life it’s not easy, I’m so glad I found the right solution, for me and my boy’s.

Sick Mother

I’ve been away from my parents since I was 16 years old. I thought I was finally at peace with that.  After all, I had built so much in the past 16 years.  I finally had my life going.   I have a great job, I have wonderful husband, and I have 3  amazing kids.

image
My Mother  gave me this ring.

About a month ago, I received the kind of news that no one wants to hear.  “Your mother is dying and you need to come and see her.”  I dropped everything, and flew straight to Albania by way of Turkey.

It occurred to me early on that I felt unable to show the pain that I was going through. I felt like none of my family understood me. As if I were a stranger to them. A guest who came to show concern. After a few days, I realized that this feeling was due to me being in America for so long. I simply wasn’t use to being in Bulqize any more. (The town that I come from). Some people say being on immigrant changes you. They say you can never truly go home. It was during this trip that I realized there might be some truth to that.

As I lay there beside my mother and thought of what a full life she had led, I also thought about how different her life is than mine. I had grown so accustomed to American life, and so far removed from the traditions and attitudes of the beautiful country I come from. More thoughts raced and somewhere amidst tornado of thoughts and feelings, my attention returned immediately to my mother. You know what? I will live a good life. I was prepared to continue on for the both of us, if it came to it.

As we moved my mother from our childhood home in Bulqize to a hospital in Tirana, my hopes grew that she’d be all right. She had thrombosis. Which is a condition that pertains to the coagulation of blood in the body. (That’s about the limit of my medical expertise on the matter.) The hopes I had were soon crushed by the doctors, who led us to believe that our time with Mom would be short. I began to feel regret due to the length of time that I had a wall built around my heart when it came to my parents. (They married me at 16 in an arranged fashion).

Somewhere in the mix, despite the anger I felt due to being married off at such a young age, I felt a pain unlike any other pain. I started loving both my mother and father even more. I began to miss them despite being right there with them. I always told myself that one day I’d spend more time with my family, and that we’d all be together one day in the same place.

They say you can never truly go home. My mother hasn’t recovered, but she’s doing much better than she was when I first arrived. I’ve been back in the states with my husband and children for two weeks. I realize that though I’ve grown up, and had children of my own….in some ways.. I am still that girl who was married off at 16.

End.